Of Bull poop and Conmen.

Officially am still resting my weary head but some things have to be said within the right time frame.

Forget Sani Abacha’s widow sending seedy messages concerning stashes of dollars in accounts that s/he cannot get access to unless and until you give him/her your bank account details. I have even gotten access to a male widow. A miracle, but maybe not in this time of sex-changes and all.

Kenyans have taken this particular trade further.

A man (sorry martians!! You know I love you right) calls your office and duly informs you that you have a package weighing a considerable number of kilograms. They shall have all the details correct, sender’s physical address and all.

In our case all was needed was a measly KES 3,860.00 to refund them for the duty they have paid on your behalf to the GoK. All legit so far because this is what happens. Then they give you an address from which to pick your package and pay them for their pains.

Only problem is when you show up some seedy looking character will inform you that your package is still in Mombasa but please pay so they can follow up and come back tomorrow or some shit like this. And that will be the last time you have any contact with anyone from this company.

I almost fell into the trap last week only the stupid idiot forgot one very important thing. There are certain people who are every service provider’s nightmare. I am one of them. In addition I have very good bullshit detectors and unfortunately they were working on over time this day.

First off, if I am going to pay even one cent from my pocket to you, I expect you to be extremely nice to me or nothing doing. I do not accept shoddy service because you are going to get your payment in full not a cent less. There are exceptions to this rule but if you are selling a service which another of the same caliber will be glad to offer to me free of charge or with goodies thrown in, you can bet your bottom dollar I will be jumping into the other’s bandwagon faster than you can say competitor. Unless of course you have earned you place and we have a long relationship from the time I was a baby. Like the petroleum jelly I use now. We have seen each other through plastic bottles, re-branding and more and I can vouch for it. I shall not give undue publicity to the said brand but you bet I pick it off the shelves semiconsciously as I can trust it not to make my face break out in nasty bumps and nyumi’s too J

The aforementioned conman called me on Tuesday last week in the office with our 45kg package. I thought it was very kind of him to do so. As I am trying to make arrangements to pick the parcel he starts getting rude. I was telling him I needed to get a set of muscles as I cannot carry something more that three fourths my body weight. Then he proceeded to open his stupid mouth and say

“Madam if you do not want it I can ship it back!”

Huh!! Since when do courier companies do such kind of thing? I did not want to color the air with expletives since

• Courier companies are supposed to be door to door especially since they had paid the duty.
• You do not talk to me in that tone
• I was not aware of a parcel coming in and usually I am informed in good time more so in that weight range.
• I was not especially desperate to lug things up and down the city centre in this heat.
• Did I Say that you do not talk to me in that tone? Yes I did, I shall say it again.

As politely as I could, I got his phone number, and physical address then I told him if he wished to send it back it was up to him and hang up. The number he gave of course is a fax line that no one ever picks, the cell phone is so mteja it needs a bombing to wake up.

I thought that was it until I read yesterday’s paper 15.02.2006 Daily Nation. Sorry there is no link to it online but that is the new con job in town.

Do not say you were not told.

*stealing away once more*

Lesson learnt: If something does not feel right, it probably is not. Trust your gut 99% of the time it is right on the money!!