Location, Direction

I am not good at following directions.
In fact I would score well below average if there ever was a test to determine how well I perform at this particular feat.
If not for the position of the sun in the sky, I would not know one end of the sky from the other one. This has not been aided any by the fact that the sun rises and sets in all sorts of directions in relation to my person.
I have several times in an effort to get from point A to B intended to make a right turn as directed by people well familiar with the terrain only to end up making two left ones. In my very dark moments I imagine if I was ever to be kidnapped and put in the boot of a car, I would never find my way back as some brave souls have and lived to tell the tale as well.
All I have to do is two intersections and a roundabout, even with my eyes wide open and I will never find my way back. Speaking of roundabouts who designed the pesky things? That person should be trussed and dipped in boiling water before being made to recite the Russian alphabet backwards. Unless of course he is Russian and then he should recite the Arabic one.

Instead of the capacity that most people have of determining the exact location of places from directions given, I have what I call the homing instinct. I can generally find my way without a map, stopping at various familiar road signs to ask for the shortest, safest way from other road users.
This instinct is similar to the one of our cats had. He was put in a sack, carried through several estates in an effort to confuse him and finally let off 50km away, only to emerge a fortnight later at our doorstep. He lived with us for 8 years after this and finally took off on his own accord never to return. The look he gave the person who opened the door for him the day he returned, is a story for another day.
The homing instinct is found in those migratory birds that fly over oceans and without any map whatsoever, find their way back to the exact departure point.
I can tell the way to places especially ones I am vaguely familiar with, from my gut. If it feels we are on the wrong track we most likely are.
It therefore comes as a cruel twist of fate that the Master Matchmaker decided to pair me up with a gentleman who has several papers from various recognized institutions in the one areas where I score worst; Geography.
I picture the matchmaker rubbing his hands together and chortling with glee at the resultant confusion. Unconfirmed sources claim that males have the true north wired in their genes. This is one of the reasons they never ask for directions as this would signify a genetic deficiency. The other one is they do not want to look like they do not know where they are going. As far as I am concerned if you are lost, it does not matter whether you look like it or not. You need help!

In our ambulatory pursuits that involve getting from one point to another, especially in unfamiliar places the conversations normally go thus:
Me: Where are we?
Him: We are almost there. The last signpost said (Insert place name of your choice here) 200km ahead.
Me: Ok

Five minutes later
Me: Are you sure we are on the right track?
Him: [24 carat silence, Accompanied by an indecipherable rictus on the face]

Now ladies , this is one question you should desist from asking the man you love as it is read as a personal affront to whatever it is he holds dear. He will feel threatened from this point on and any suggestion you make on the direction you should take, is guaranteed to be taken unkindly.

Gentlemen I beg to differ. This question has an answer. If you do not know why don’t you just say so? I will most likely just get the map out and help you read it or we will make a stop by the roadside and you will stretch your tired feet and legs.

You would think I cannot find my way to places, right? Wrong. It is only when my life companion gives me directions that I do get lost. Thanks to his profession, he assumes that South West of a certain building should suffice to deliver me safe and sound to whatever place I was going. Of course in the earlier years I tried to follow and would arrive at a venue, step out of whatever vehicle I was in and start looking at the sky in an effort to establish East and West then North and South. The crunch would come on rainy days as there was no sun.
With time I have learnt to ask for drawings, they are much easier to understand.
I am pretty certain there are many of us afflicted with this condition judging by the number of confused drivers on the city streets who cannot make up their minds on whether to turn left , right or continue straight on at the numerous roundabouts.

Precocious Contracts

This is a reactionary post to this by dearest acolyte suggesting that since FIDA is all over the place making life a little too straight and narrow there should be a PCC before the fact so that both parties are satisfied in more ways than one.
What he forgets to mention is that activity between them sheets is usually motivated by different things for the two parties involved depending on which side of the divide you originate from.
Now I, being of the Y chromosome challenged variety I will try and analyze what motivates me so that we can avoid signing things at the worst possible moment: when the spirit is totally willing to consider it but the flesh has other ideas.

In all my encounters with these others when horizontal rumba was an attractive option to just holding hands there was one motivating factor, which is there was more from whence what I was seeing was coming from. Ergo the encounter is a step towards the general direction I want to take
As far as this fellow human was concerned. And thence lays the problem. To HIM this might be what he has been holding the horses one last detail to be tucked in before they bolt, into the wilderness, and never to be seen again.
Experience teaches that Mr. Man will promise the moon and deliver for as long as you are still of resalable value that is ‘not damaged goods.’ He would rather do the damage himself and add a notch or two to the bedpost. After which, what transpired between the two of you, is neatly labeled, and archived. Unless there was an understanding arrived at before the fact. Or his mind was blown away and he cannot wait for a repeat performance. Or he does love you.
History has regaled us with tales of everlasting lust embodied in tall, dark and handsome men who would sweep us off our feet and we would live happily ever after just as soon as our hearts stopped beating so fast. If you have read the same tales as I have you would confirm that the heroine was all looking forward to having the hero all to herself in spite of insurmountable obstacles. I doubt if she was looking forward to a CFA (mutumia 2005) of any kind or being left holding the baby, literally.
Now it is even more complicated as they have gotten more ambitious in their game. We have too. Numerous women have no problem going after what they want in this field, not knowing that is a fantasy fueled by the same men to let them have their cake and eat it. As long as we continue like this FIDA will have a field day.

Just So.You.Know

This is my corner of the earth.
It is my blog.
It belongs to me.
It does not belong to anyone but me, that goes for you too.
You are free to comment here, email, IM, SMS or call me.
I am quite open minded.
I am glad you feel a step closer to getting to know me as it means my writing is not in vain.
I am glad to get to know you better too.
I neither intend to sell or buy anything on this site.
I do not intend to start a steamy conversation at 7.00am in the morning with you just because you read about my opinions on human sexuality.
Especially since I do not know you and know nothing about you apart from a three digit MSN Id
That is just my opinion.
I live in Sub saharan Africa where temperatures are quite high and my chance for survival long enough to procreate and leave a mark, lies in being able to keep my body temperatures within the cool range.
That might be your cup of tea.
Twenty emails in one day from a complete stranger is quite scary, especially in these days of bird flu and all.
It is not a sign of a sturdy heart on the way to winning a fair lady.
I maintain an open door policy to all neighbors old and new.
I wish for world peace too.
Thanking you most sincerely.

Gullible Travels

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those that obey the laws of motion and those those that do not. I belong to the former category and any excuse will do for me just to get out of a particular locale and into another. This kind of affliction here fore referred to as wanderlust gets to me every few weeks and try as I may I am not likely to resist for long.
Traveling by public vehicles into and within the rural areas of Kenya provides one with the kind of amusement and wonder that would by pass one altogether if you never even once ventured into the realms of communal transport.
I prefer traveling at night as I love being lulled to sleep by the droning engine trusting the poor driver not to join me as I venture into worlds unseen. So it is with this state of mind that I usually set off to see the land of my birth, escaping from the fast paced city life.
Now, I come from one of those Kenyan communities not known for doing things in halves. This includes traveling. When I am forced by circumstances to share the same space with my clansÂ’ mates I wonder why none of these grandiose inclinations never rubbed off me. I could be going very far places if it had.

Some travelers of note
Holy family Basilica
I shall not judge others but am mostly puzzled by the ones who carry everything and everyone to “shags” over the end year holidays, including wardrobes, boxes and pets only to troop back with the same stuff come January. It is usually tiresome to have them board the bus with yparaphernalialia and all.

Mama na mayai
I once boarded a bus with a lady who was traveling with her four children. She had booked two seats for herself and the children. When the extremely courteous bus conductor asked her why, she proceeded to say that the children would stand. Kindly note that this was a night trip, around 400km distance. It was only on being threatened with being thrown out of the bus that she got an extra seat for the children though I thought it was still not good enough. Now wonder most fatalities in accidents are children.

Hee-Haw
This person proceeds to eat everything edible that is on sale at the road side all the way to his/her destination. Sample this roasted peanuts, yoghurt, soda, chips, sugarcane, apples, oranges, boiled peanuts, boiled and roasted maize maandazis, juice etc imagine the state of the alimentary canal of this person at the end of the journey.

Then there is this person who has a huge piece of luggage and insists of putting it on the luggage rack inside the bus. Not knowing that this is an impossibility they heave and squeeze the poor bag only relenting when informed that they are delaying other passengers;

I hear people saying Michuki’s rules has made the road a safer place. While this is true up to a point they have not visited the rucenterstres. Recently I watched in amazement as the petrol tank (plastic jerry can) of the vehicle I was traveling in was put at my feet as I was sitting next to the driver. I had an impish urge to kick it just to see what would happen as every few stops I would have to prop it up ‘ndio gari ikunywe mafuta vizuri.”
The fare bit. The male passengers would pay up without question. The ladies were another story altogether. They would proceed to plead with the conductor just to spare a few shillings off and he would give in to my amazement. I tried to imagine what would happen if I did that here in the city.
There is too the trauma of long distance traveling at night. When you board the bus every one smells good. A few hours later all the gases known to the human race start getting emitted from various orifices of the present members of the race. Woe unto you if you sit next to some one who had gotten slightly acquainted with EABL products or worse variants of the bean family.

Hope you live to tell the tale.

Last Night

I looked at you.
Not saw, glanced or even viewed but looked at you.
It was after looking at you that I really saw.
Those eyes.
Leading into that soul, whatever it looks like.
(The one someone’s only son died to save.)
I liked it not.
Not one bit.
I loved it.
Those same eyes that stare back at me
Though they belong on your mother’s face.
They bring thoughts.
Those ones, you know, those that make you miss a football match.
Those ones that induce skeletal weakness even in the strongest of joints.
The ones that bring peace and calm only to induce chaos.
Seen them for donkey years
Yet each day I love them more.
Not only patiently and kindly but peacefully;

Like watching the sky at dawn
A rainy day you can tell
A sunny day too reveals itself
Grey, blue, light red dark


Like relating to a river.
You know it is there
You watch before you cross
At times you just sit and watch
The water flow by
Carrying an insect or two, foreign matter
Of course foreign to the water
But what would we call a river without the floating items in it?
The swirling of the waves
Tumbling of debris
Chortling, rumbling, spewing, spitting
A comfort to the senses like your own heart beat.
Wonder why the heart was made to go thump?
So we could keep the pace
Turn and dance once more
To music inside your veins

I looked to hear a chord play
Looked to see a mouth say
Looked to touch a hand pay
Looked to feel all pray
Looked to smell foul, nay

All I did was confirm
You are
I am
We are
One
Always.

the unwise wimin

To all the ladies out there, the ones who make their mothers sisters and grannies glad to be related to them and to share the same classification along the gender divide jipigie debe.
Meanwhile I have three that I want to massacre here. They are my workmates and ensure that life around them will be spiced with a little bit of hell while we are still here.

1. Lucifers Advocate aka LA
This woman is the PA to the MD. She is nearer the wrong side of 50 in age and I would expect her to know better. Once she put 16 notices on all the parts of the ladies toilet reading thus:
do not stand here, do not throw bits of hair here, wipe the floor when you are through, do not misuse toilet paper, do not stand on the bowl, leave the sink clean....etc etc. Now this is the moment I had just started working in the same building as her and being my first full time job, my jaws dropped lower and lower as I read her artistic decoration of the walls. She is in charge of the stationery store and would always tell you whatever it is you wanted was out of stock. Never mind that a trip to the store would reveal 10 unopened boxes of the same. My question "why on earth do you conserve things that are meant to be used up while this is the primary reason why they are bought.
If you happen to send a big print job to the printer next to her desk, she will cancel it, because the printer might get overheated (her explanation).

2.Pinocchio
She is nosy... nosy and has an imagination that would put Hollywood directors to shame. And did I mention she blabs away like particular words are going out of fashion? She is always the first to know and expound on the stuff she has seen and come to conclusions about. The number of fights she has gotten into (and this is only in the office) are unbelievable.

3. Al Qaeda
I do not know if the right label was used above but this person wants to keep everybody in the same place. She will stop at nothing to ensure that the same filing system used by the company 20 years ago is kept to. She ensures any new technology is shunned and if she had her way would rather all of us learnt how to use the typewrite in order to learn some discipline. She enjoys putting people down and sucks up to supervisors big time. Her favorite phrase is you think you know better I have been here x years and this is what we have been doing so get used to it.
She hates younger female employees and will ensure that no loud laughter is heard, no music no excitement over anything in fact if I shared the same office with her I would have had to go and laugh in the toilet over some tales you people on KBW spin.
The younger male ones will have their shirts straightened and doughnuts with their coffee or tea every morning fresh from her kitchen.


Arrrghhhh!!!!!

Choice D: None of the above

The very sad incident over the weekend at the lakeside city increased the width and darkness of the stain in this banana and orange business. While I think the honorable Tuju has a noble idea and is as free as the rest of the Kenyan population to express his support for whatever fruit, he has chosen the most inopportune moment to do it.
In times of war, you do not suggest to people that they should dig a borehole to supply them with water. It does not matter how thirsty they are, they are not likely to listen. They are more concerned with staying alive and killing the enemy.

Timing is everything, even in this game.
First off the politics of Luo Nyanza has always been linked to the Odinga family for as long as Kenya existed. The honorable MP, of all the people, should know this and strategize pretty well on how to create another centre of power.
He has a lot of support for the work he has done for his constituents and few nyanza MP's can compare to him in that area.
Luo Nyanza despite having some of the best brains in the country -I kid you not, you should just take a look at the professors/PHD holders roll in our universities, both private and public- is comparable to North Eastern in terms of development. While this can be blamed on the region being an opposition area in the Moi era, I would have imagined that the present leaders would have seen the light and exploited the area which has a lot of potential in terms of business opportunities and brains.
But no! They are busy throwing barbs and jabs at each other and arguing whether it is more important to be circumcised or not, in collusion with the men from mount Kenya who are busy "eating" to their fill and ensuring by the end of their term in office, even their great grandchildren will be taken care of thanks to wealth amassed in the preceding five years. That mentality is so ingrained we would need an amygdala transplant in the leaders of today both sitting in office and aspiring.
Luo Nyanza needs more of Tuju's who if asked by the electorate "what have you done for us in the last five years we employed you?" would produce a list of tangible results. Things that can be seen and not strategy papers.
The problem with this region is that sycophancy is embraced fully and runs within the veins of it occupants. Not many strive to do something for himself once a brother or a cousin six times removed has attained some level of achievement. They gave rise to the culture we see right now of delegations going to see the president. From there comes all the regions problems. They have land, productive with the right technology, a fresh water lake and a very large number of energetic idle, young men who would apply their physical strength to profitable ventures that do not involve trajectory missiles.

For the record I am sugarcane and will tick it, if I find it on the ballot paper. *taking cover now*